3 YEARS Time for a Change

3 Years ago I wrote my last blog. THATS CRAZY

Today I am going to be starting my 100 day challenge to myself.  A challenge to begin to make healthier decisions for myself and for my family.  I am going to be up front and honest in these post in hope that I can hold myself accountable for my actions.
I currently weight in at 261 lbs.  I get out of breath walking to and from my car, upstairs, downstairs, etc.  I can barley bend over to tie my own shoes.  I have no motivation to be active with my children, I'd rather just sit and watch than get involved and enjoy.  We recently got family pictures taken and I was so disgusted with how I felt I looked, I couldn't even enjoy my family for the wonderful joy they are.  It's time for a change, and it must start with ME.
I have many fears and reservations about this challenge.  I don't want to fail, I have few individuals around me that feel that I can actually follow through.  I know that when I become active, walking, bike, etc. my body will begin to hurt and I am fearful of this pain.  In the past I have not been able to push through the pain, I let the pain win out.  I am fearful that I will continue to be unmotivated and fall through the cracks.  I will not get going to follow through with what I want for myself.  I fear that I will fail.  I will need to change everything about my life style, what I eat, what I do, my time management, how I eat, etc.  Can I do this?  We will see.
Today is day one, today I am working.  Sitting at a desk, thinking about drinking pop and eating junk food.  I'm hungry just at the thought of not being able to eat anything I want and that I will have to think about what I am eating before putting it into my mouth.  I'm drinking water and I have had one small cup of coffee with a little Pumpkin spice creamer.  I did have a muffin for Breakfast in a moment of walking out the door not thinking about the thought that I need to think about what I am eating.  For lunch I had some roast beef with potatoes and gravy and a side of green beans, hospital food so you know it has to be healthyish.....right?  For a snack I had some tuna salad with some crackers.  How much/many you ask....I don't know because I didn't count and I'm trying to just be cautious of what I'm eating, not turn my food into a calorie counting activity.  So this is day one, only 99.5 more days to go.            

Wait....Search....Wait.....Wait Some More

We continue to search for houses, we have found one that we are in love with.  We have seen the inside and we have talked with a banker about funding.  Now we Wait!!!  Our house is still on the market and there does not seem to be anyone interested in it.  It's hard to not get frustrated and discouraged.  I keep telling myself that it's fine and that what will be will be, but it's not working often. Here is the house that we would dream of having.......one day......if it's meant to be.

November Thankful

Week 2 Nov. 8th through 14th

Day 8: I am thankful for the ability to drive and have a reliable vehicle that gets me where I need to be.  I think that this is one thing that we take for advantage of. 

Day 9:  I am thankful for my Mother In Law.  I am super lucky to have such a great extended family.  She has accepted me coming in and has been just as understanding about my moods and personality as her son has been.

Day 10: I am super thankful for Regan.  He is my father and dad and the best one there is.  He stepped in after he met my mother like we were his own born children.  Love and discipline it didn't matter.  He has been super involved in supporting me as I have grown and has been a big part of who I am.

Day 11:  I am thankful for my furry children, Daisy and Precious.  Although there are days that I don't seem to be thankful I am.  They have been there when I felt like there was no one there.
    

Day 12:  I am thankful for nap time!  I am an adult who loves/needs naps.  I am super bummed when my son decides not take naps because I can not nap.  My world will change when he quits naps all together.  Naps allow me to refresh.  For some reason I have always been the person to want to take a nap.  When bored I would rather nap than find something to do.

Day 13:  I am thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks!  They clearly do not like me because I believe that I could loose 10 lbs if I just stopped drinking them.  But, oh the flavor, I dream about it.  I crave it, I beg for it.  It's one thing that I can't get enough of.  Yum Yum Yum


Day 14:  I'm Thankful for my Aunt Connie!  She has been my second mother for many years.  She has helped raise me and shape me to who I am today.  Thanks Aunt Connie for being there for our family!

Thankful for November

Week One: Nov. 1st through Nov. 7th

I have decided to do this in weekly increments do to time sake.  I know I would not remember to log in daily. :-) 

Day One:  Today I am thankful for my family.  Immediate, extended and beyond!!  Without them and the support they provide to me and my family each and everyday I am not sure where I (we) would be.  Verbal, nonverbal, all kinds of support fills our hearts and we could not be more blessed with this support that has strengthened us.
 

Day Two:  Thankful for the two men in my life.  They both entered my life so quickly I'm still not sure how the last four years of my life has happened.  First Curtis, the one that can handle me, MOST of the time.  He is patient with me, gets me, frustrates me, excites me, challenges me, and loves me.  He is someone I am proud to be in their life and Proud to say he is in mine.  Second came along Bentley.  Wasn't really ready for him but couldn't be happier with where he has taken me in my journey of life.  He also knows how to comfort me and challenge me in ways I never knew a 2 year old could do.  He lights up my heart everytime he smiles and the excitement he has for life is so refreshing.  Love you both so much!

Day Three: I'm Thankful for friends!  We may not get to spend a lot of time together, but the time we do spend is so cherished.  They get me when the world seems to not.  We can spend hours reminiscing like we never had time away from each other.  They do not judge me, even though I sometimes judge myself.  I can confide in them without fear that they would steer me in the wrong direction.  I would love to be able to spend more time with each and everyone of them, but they understand and get why sometimes that can't happen.
        
   

Day Four:  Thankful for the opportunity to be apart of Parents As Teachers!  They are a great group of ladies and I am proud to be one of them.  I enjoy working with families and bringing activities so the family can work together to strengthen their children's development.


Day Five:  Thankful for my job at Mercy because it allows me to provide for my family.  It may be stressful at times because of my schedule but it's allowed me to be flexible so I can spend my days during the week with my son.

Day Six:  Thankful for my health.  There have been several reminders to me how important my health is to me and I can not begin to tell you how lucky I have been.  I have not had many problems outside of struggling with pregnancy and I am SOO thankful!

Day Seven:  I'm thankful for TV.  I really am.  It allows me some time to just not think about the daily stresses and allows me to enter a world of fantasy.  During the couple of one hour shows I get time to watch I am able to just imagine how life could be, or be darn thankful for the life I do have.  Its my chill zone!

And the Search begins...........

Where selling our house......yep I bit the big one, I signed the paperwork, while the tears streamed my face.  I honestly couldn't tell you why the emotion suddenly emerged and engulfed me but the tears wouldn't stop falling while I took pen to paper and signed my name.  Change is my worst enemy, I don't like it one bit.  I can't see the positive side of it because all I see is the stress change brings.  However, if you want to move forward you must embrace the change.

So the night we signed paperwork we went to look at a four houses.  With that we eliminated two and kept two in our top choices.
  House One

 House Two

But that soon changed to the other option two when we went to look at this house a week later....
 New House Two

Same basic layout as House one, a little cheaper rooms are a little smaller but I'm a little drawn to this one, maybe because of the price.  We need to do a Pro/Con list of these two.  There aren't many options in our price range in Newton.  We know we want to stay in the area because our support system is in Newton.  Curt is sold on a split level home, I'm still not completely convinced however, it seems to be what I like just when I get in them I worry about storage space and living space.  Then I start to worry about the possibility of child number two and how much easier it would be with just one child....yada yada yada.....did I mention how stress I'm feeling about this whole moving thing?
We have lots of time, and we don't have to decided right away, truth is we HAVE to sell our house before we can get fully approved for the loan.  Which we have only shown it once since it went on the market two weeks ago.  The Realtors went through last Wednesday, now we just have to pray that the right family comes along.  It's a great house, if your single or a family with no children.  Or it also would be great for an older couple because everything is on one level and there is very little stairs.  So here's to the next step....wish us luck!

Nah Nah Nah

Bentley you are 27 1/2 months old, and you fill my heart with happiness.  Over the last two months I have fallen more in love with you than I ever thought possible.  I am able to enjoy your smile, your curious mind, your never ending love for others, and even your occasional tantrums.  You see, I'm ashamed to admit it but up until a couple months ago I feel I was just going through the motions with you.  Just being because I was.  That is playing the roll of a mother and wife but not finding the full enjoyment of being a mother and a wife.  This is difficult to explain to you and for right now we just won't worry about this, because I've been able to overcome this feeling and get past it.

I want to share with you a little about the happenings in your life right now.  You are growing in every way, everyday.  I am never surprised to find you doing something new wither it is the way you are playing with your toys, to what you are capable of understanding.  You currently have begun playing with your vehicles like your airplane, dump truck, bus and train.  You will go and get your people and actually play appropriately with them by putting them in their place and driving them around.  I only wonder what you are thinking when your playing this way.  You LOVE playing outside still, you always have.  You really aren't satisfied unless you get some outside play time in.  Lately you have enjoyed playing in the sprinkler, even with your clothes on.  You still enjoy playing sports however you do not seem as interested in them as you once did.  Hopefully that will change but if it doesn't that will be okay.  Daddy enjoys taking you out on the golf course and you seem to like hitting the golf ball around.  You also enjoy going to the park and the zoo with mommy. 

You have grown in using verbal language also.  Since April you have flourished in this area, however you are still hard to understand most of the time.  Family and those around you often know what you are saying but your still pretty quiet in the public's eye.  You have started to spontaneously say things which you never did in the past.  You still see Missy from AEA who comes out and plays with you and helps develop your language once a month.  You really engage with her and love all the toys she brings for you.  She has seen improvements in the amount of vocalizations you have made since about January/February.  Your speech therapist from Skiff hospital meets with you twice a week since the end of April.  So roughly three months you've been seeing her.  I'm not sure what I can say about her, its been difficult getting you to connect with her.  She seems to have great intentions but struggles with keeping your attention to things.  Recently she has changed one of your goals from learning consonant sounds to dropping back and learning sign language.  I'm having a very difficult time understanding this and agreeing that this is the best option for you.  You have improved everyday with what you communicate to me that its hard to imagine moving backwards.  After this meeting I tried to teach you the sign for no, immediately you began to tell me no, which is one of the few words you say VERY clearly.  After a couple of times you began to sign the word along with saying it and later that night I just was full of tears.  We are meeting with Missy and Amy who is AEA's speech pathologist on Wednesday, you might not go back to Skiff for speech therapy.  Which might not be a bad things.

Today actually a song came on the radio and you began to repeat a couple lines in the lyrics.  It was by far THE MOST ADORABLE thing ever! Song: Blurred Lines Lyrics: Hey Hey Hey, which come out nah, nah, nah.  And you woah after they do in the song as well.  Other things you have and can say spontaneously airplane, race car, daisy, precious, hot dog, more, please, mama, dada, grandma, grandpa, all done, open, wal-mart, snack, outside, I'm pretty sure you say chocolate for when you want chocolate milk however it doesn't even sound close but its consistent with you grabbing the container out of the fridge, there has to be more but I'm not thinking of them right now.  I plan to add to this list as I think of them.  Missy wants me to wright down all the words you say spontaneously I'm super excited to show her the list.      

You eat almost everything, but you are starting to have your dislikes, which I kind of get a kick out of.  You ALWAYS try the food for me, even if it takes some convincing, but the look on your face and how you spit out the food you don't like, it's priceless.  Some that come to mind are, peas and carrots.  It's hilarious, period.  

Potty Training........oh the joys.  It pretty much all started while we were on vacation in Florida in June.  When we had you in the shower after swimming or changing, we would encourage you to go pee, which you would 95% on command.  When we got home we continued the pursuit going as far as buying you undies.  For some reason you like to go pee both in the potty and your undies.  Needless to say, mommy does not quite have the patience for that right now, so I'm failing in the outstanding mother of the year.  We will continue to try but not force anything on you, you'll be ready when your ready.  But you do get super excited when you go potty in your potty chair.  You have even went poo poo ( sorry blog readers, I went there) twice, once with Grandma Cathi and once with Grandma Betty.  I'll try and do better at my part, you just keep up the good work buddy.  

I love you son and I can't wait to see what you will turn out to be.    

SWW

• So what I've completely messed up Bentley's nightly routine because I thought I was doing something good.  He was staying in his room all night so I took the gate down that was across his doorway.......he's been in our bed the last two nights....tonight, he won't go to sleep without Curt in the room.  Mommy FAIL!!!!
• So what something from my past that came back to my evil brain tonight might have ruined my relationship with my sister in law.  I always seem to do or say something wrong eventually.
• So what I don't feel support by my husband because of said behavior\ feelings........I guess what they say..family is thicker......oh wait I am his family now....so what he's forgotten that.
• So what I've decided to do a late late night version of so what, there's a lot on my mind tonight.
• So what I can't seem to pull the trigger on listing our house on the market, I keep finding reasons to wait.  I guess I just don't like change and the thought of change gives me so much anxiety.
• So what my son is 2 and can't tell me loves me verbally, he tells me through his eyes everyday. The new speech path wants us to step back from getting sounds out of him and teach him sign language, so what I think she's crazy and just can't bring myself to stop having my son vocalize to me , even though most if what he says we can't understand.....he's getting better everyday!
• So what I can't keep thinking of what the future holds for him, I'm only human and can't always live for today.
• So what that lately I've been feeling very alone.....
• So what I let my son play in the sprinkler with his clothes on while watering my plants.  It's one of my memories as a child getting to jump into our pool of water with our clothes one, it felt so right to do something we think is wrong.
• So what this version of so what makes me seem whiney, I'm kind of having an off night.  Goodnight everyone hope to get back on this blogger bandwagon soon!