And the Search begins...........

Where selling our house......yep I bit the big one, I signed the paperwork, while the tears streamed my face.  I honestly couldn't tell you why the emotion suddenly emerged and engulfed me but the tears wouldn't stop falling while I took pen to paper and signed my name.  Change is my worst enemy, I don't like it one bit.  I can't see the positive side of it because all I see is the stress change brings.  However, if you want to move forward you must embrace the change.

So the night we signed paperwork we went to look at a four houses.  With that we eliminated two and kept two in our top choices.
  House One

 House Two

But that soon changed to the other option two when we went to look at this house a week later....
 New House Two

Same basic layout as House one, a little cheaper rooms are a little smaller but I'm a little drawn to this one, maybe because of the price.  We need to do a Pro/Con list of these two.  There aren't many options in our price range in Newton.  We know we want to stay in the area because our support system is in Newton.  Curt is sold on a split level home, I'm still not completely convinced however, it seems to be what I like just when I get in them I worry about storage space and living space.  Then I start to worry about the possibility of child number two and how much easier it would be with just one child....yada yada yada.....did I mention how stress I'm feeling about this whole moving thing?
We have lots of time, and we don't have to decided right away, truth is we HAVE to sell our house before we can get fully approved for the loan.  Which we have only shown it once since it went on the market two weeks ago.  The Realtors went through last Wednesday, now we just have to pray that the right family comes along.  It's a great house, if your single or a family with no children.  Or it also would be great for an older couple because everything is on one level and there is very little stairs.  So here's to the next step....wish us luck!

Nah Nah Nah

Bentley you are 27 1/2 months old, and you fill my heart with happiness.  Over the last two months I have fallen more in love with you than I ever thought possible.  I am able to enjoy your smile, your curious mind, your never ending love for others, and even your occasional tantrums.  You see, I'm ashamed to admit it but up until a couple months ago I feel I was just going through the motions with you.  Just being because I was.  That is playing the roll of a mother and wife but not finding the full enjoyment of being a mother and a wife.  This is difficult to explain to you and for right now we just won't worry about this, because I've been able to overcome this feeling and get past it.

I want to share with you a little about the happenings in your life right now.  You are growing in every way, everyday.  I am never surprised to find you doing something new wither it is the way you are playing with your toys, to what you are capable of understanding.  You currently have begun playing with your vehicles like your airplane, dump truck, bus and train.  You will go and get your people and actually play appropriately with them by putting them in their place and driving them around.  I only wonder what you are thinking when your playing this way.  You LOVE playing outside still, you always have.  You really aren't satisfied unless you get some outside play time in.  Lately you have enjoyed playing in the sprinkler, even with your clothes on.  You still enjoy playing sports however you do not seem as interested in them as you once did.  Hopefully that will change but if it doesn't that will be okay.  Daddy enjoys taking you out on the golf course and you seem to like hitting the golf ball around.  You also enjoy going to the park and the zoo with mommy. 

You have grown in using verbal language also.  Since April you have flourished in this area, however you are still hard to understand most of the time.  Family and those around you often know what you are saying but your still pretty quiet in the public's eye.  You have started to spontaneously say things which you never did in the past.  You still see Missy from AEA who comes out and plays with you and helps develop your language once a month.  You really engage with her and love all the toys she brings for you.  She has seen improvements in the amount of vocalizations you have made since about January/February.  Your speech therapist from Skiff hospital meets with you twice a week since the end of April.  So roughly three months you've been seeing her.  I'm not sure what I can say about her, its been difficult getting you to connect with her.  She seems to have great intentions but struggles with keeping your attention to things.  Recently she has changed one of your goals from learning consonant sounds to dropping back and learning sign language.  I'm having a very difficult time understanding this and agreeing that this is the best option for you.  You have improved everyday with what you communicate to me that its hard to imagine moving backwards.  After this meeting I tried to teach you the sign for no, immediately you began to tell me no, which is one of the few words you say VERY clearly.  After a couple of times you began to sign the word along with saying it and later that night I just was full of tears.  We are meeting with Missy and Amy who is AEA's speech pathologist on Wednesday, you might not go back to Skiff for speech therapy.  Which might not be a bad things.

Today actually a song came on the radio and you began to repeat a couple lines in the lyrics.  It was by far THE MOST ADORABLE thing ever! Song: Blurred Lines Lyrics: Hey Hey Hey, which come out nah, nah, nah.  And you woah after they do in the song as well.  Other things you have and can say spontaneously airplane, race car, daisy, precious, hot dog, more, please, mama, dada, grandma, grandpa, all done, open, wal-mart, snack, outside, I'm pretty sure you say chocolate for when you want chocolate milk however it doesn't even sound close but its consistent with you grabbing the container out of the fridge, there has to be more but I'm not thinking of them right now.  I plan to add to this list as I think of them.  Missy wants me to wright down all the words you say spontaneously I'm super excited to show her the list.      

You eat almost everything, but you are starting to have your dislikes, which I kind of get a kick out of.  You ALWAYS try the food for me, even if it takes some convincing, but the look on your face and how you spit out the food you don't like, it's priceless.  Some that come to mind are, peas and carrots.  It's hilarious, period.  

Potty Training........oh the joys.  It pretty much all started while we were on vacation in Florida in June.  When we had you in the shower after swimming or changing, we would encourage you to go pee, which you would 95% on command.  When we got home we continued the pursuit going as far as buying you undies.  For some reason you like to go pee both in the potty and your undies.  Needless to say, mommy does not quite have the patience for that right now, so I'm failing in the outstanding mother of the year.  We will continue to try but not force anything on you, you'll be ready when your ready.  But you do get super excited when you go potty in your potty chair.  You have even went poo poo ( sorry blog readers, I went there) twice, once with Grandma Cathi and once with Grandma Betty.  I'll try and do better at my part, you just keep up the good work buddy.  

I love you son and I can't wait to see what you will turn out to be.    

SWW

• So what I've completely messed up Bentley's nightly routine because I thought I was doing something good.  He was staying in his room all night so I took the gate down that was across his doorway.......he's been in our bed the last two nights....tonight, he won't go to sleep without Curt in the room.  Mommy FAIL!!!!
• So what something from my past that came back to my evil brain tonight might have ruined my relationship with my sister in law.  I always seem to do or say something wrong eventually.
• So what I don't feel support by my husband because of said behavior\ feelings........I guess what they say..family is thicker......oh wait I am his family now....so what he's forgotten that.
• So what I've decided to do a late late night version of so what, there's a lot on my mind tonight.
• So what I can't seem to pull the trigger on listing our house on the market, I keep finding reasons to wait.  I guess I just don't like change and the thought of change gives me so much anxiety.
• So what my son is 2 and can't tell me loves me verbally, he tells me through his eyes everyday. The new speech path wants us to step back from getting sounds out of him and teach him sign language, so what I think she's crazy and just can't bring myself to stop having my son vocalize to me , even though most if what he says we can't understand.....he's getting better everyday!
• So what I can't keep thinking of what the future holds for him, I'm only human and can't always live for today.
• So what that lately I've been feeling very alone.....
• So what I let my son play in the sprinkler with his clothes on while watering my plants.  It's one of my memories as a child getting to jump into our pool of water with our clothes one, it felt so right to do something we think is wrong.
• So what this version of so what makes me seem whiney, I'm kind of having an off night.  Goodnight everyone hope to get back on this blogger bandwagon soon!

SWW

• So what I spend 3 hours this morning sitting on the computer while my son played.  He wasn't whining, he was having fun, and I took advantage of it!   This afternoon however, I think I'm going to have to change my plan of attack.  He is loud and clear ready for mommy time! 
• So what I agreed to watch my nephew Drayton for five hours this afternoon, it's teaching Bentley that he doesn't always get his way in things.  Bentley needs more child time to learn that he needs to share and it's okay to not get everything he wants.
• So what my son was standing in the middle of his kid table before I figured out he was climbing, it's not THAT far from the ground.  
• So what we had our air on, and now it's back off, and we will probably turn it back on once it warms up again.  I've have learned over the years that it's just best to put the air on so I don't have to hear my husband complain about his "allergies", which treat him just fine when he's out on the golf course.  
• So what that while everyone will hopefully be enjoying the nice weather on memorial day, I will be sleeping it away.  I have to work the night before and it's just best for us all if I get the right amount of sleep.  Curt has to work in the evening so I need to be in mommy mood for Bentley.  
• So what that only parts of my yard has turf builder on it, while I was applying Curt was mowing and I only had so much lawn to apply the stuff to.  I'll be curious to see if it even makes a difference, and this will make it easier for me to tell! 
• So what I keep procrastinating on calling the vet to get Daisy in for her shots.  I just cringe every time we have to pay out an unneeded expense.  On top of that we are having her stay at Green Acres Boarding while we are gone to Florida and she has to have these shots before she can stay, so I need to get on it.  
• So what my currently full time job has threatened me that if I do have have the appropriate amount of PTO for my vacation that they can resign my PTO approval.  I was warned that I only have 3.70 hours of PTO, I need......72.  BIG problem there but you know, I just don't care.  I know that's a horrible way to think but I am going on that Vacation, even if it means I won't have a job when I get back.  
• So what that the boys are going on 2 hours naps, well one boy is, the other...he was a little harder to get down.  Bentley isn't used to having to share his mommy at nap time, and for some reason he won't just go and lay down for me like he does his Aunt Angie.  They must need it, I would be sleeping if I could on this rainy Wednesday afternoon too!!  

Well there you have it folks, I have started to get back into things, I'm sorry for those who have missed me, LOL all two of you that prolly read my blog.  I better get on that list that I've been procrastinating.  

Late Night reminiscing

A little over two years ago, my son, Bentley was born.  I found this little tid bit that my husband wrote while our son was in the NICU at Blank Children's Hospital (warning, this will be lengthy)

Sorry for the lack of updates from Tara and I over the last few days. We have experienced some minor bumps to the start of our baby's journey in life. Over the first few days in the hospital we, along with the nurses and doctor, observed Bentley having some abnormal eye movement. Every now and again (maybe 6-8 times a day for 5-10 seconds each) his eyes would roll up and to the back of his lids in both directions. This, along with other "twitching," was enough for the doctor to consult a physician at Blank Children s Hospital for more information. The symptoms the doctors observered and reported mimic seizures.

Bentley was transferred by ambulance to Blank Children's Hospital NICU on early Sunday afternoon while Tara was still recovering. Tara had a low blood level after her C-Section. She was feeling "weak and shaky" and required 4 bags of blood over a two day span. This delayed her discharge from Skiff till early Sunday evening, and she was without Bentley for quite a few hours. I decided to wait back with Tara so we could travel to Des Moines together after discharge. Bentley was not alone on his first road trip. Grandma Betty, Grandma Cathi, Grandpa Regan and Great Aunt Chris were right behind him. 

When Bentley arrived at Blank, the doctors and nurses noticed one of his "episodes." This was of great comfort to Tara and I. That way we didn't need to relay our observations, they had their own. Bentley was fed through a tube in his nose at first. We chose this as a means to not interrupt the learning curve of breast feeding. He was hooked up to the normal wires, and received the normal blood tests to check cultures in order to rule out infection. Bentley was also giving a lumbar puncture or as Tara calls it, a Spinal Tap. This was performed in order to check the spinal fluid and rule out Meningitis.  

  

Once Tara was discharged from Skiff, I drove her to Des Moines so we could be with Bentley. We booked at room at The Ronald McDonald House across from Methodist. This is a great asset, instead of using a pull out couch as a bed for two people. There wasn't much going on Sunday night in Bentley's room. Just a lot of observation and care. I couldn't stand seeing a tube up Bentley's nose, and the doctor had better options. We decided to use a bottle to feed the baby boy. This puts him back on an "at will" diet, and is much easier care for mommy AND Bentley. 

Monday was gonna be a day of testing. When we arrived back to Bentleys room on Monday morning, the primary physician was performing an examination. He immedietly noticed that Bentley was having Hypo-Tonia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypotonia). This was probably another symptom of the underlying diagnosis. 

Next up was an MRI. Bentley had to wear these sweet earmuffs to help keep him calm and still for the big machine. With the help of a full belly, we were told he did perfect while having this 15 minute test was performed. About an hour later, he had a scheduled EEG (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EEG). 

After Bentley headed down for the 2 hour EEG, the doctor stopped by to talk to us. He had looked at the MRI and had noticed an infarction ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infarction ) in the brain. This is basically a stroke. The doctor says this happens in 25 of every 100,000 babies. There's a few reasons why this can happen. There's a 50/50 chance that his symptoms will end and he will live a normal life. Bentley could develop a need for speech and language therapy, physical therapy and or occupational therapy. He could continue having strokes. This all sounds scary, but it was a huge relief to have an answer after three days of speculation. At this moment we are waiting on results from the EEG. We have an eye exam scheduled today still, plus a meeting with a Neurologist at some point today or tomorrow. Tara and I are confident that everything is headed in the right direction, and should know more in the hours/days to come. We still dont have the information processed completely, and have many questions and concerns that we will get straightened out over time. Thank you for your support and prayers, and we will let you know more as we get the chance.

I sit here tonight my friends and I'm proud to report to you the latest new on Bentley.  Around 18 months old Curt and I started to worry about Bentley's language development.  We started to notice that he wasn't progressing forward like we felt he should.  I started my venture with mentioning my concerns to our Parents As Teacher worker Sandy and she put in a referral to AEA.  AEA came out and did an assessment on Bentley and found that we would probably benefit from having someone work with him once a month to try and get more words and sounds from him.  We started this right away and were so excited for Bentley to begin this journey.  Our worker that came out for AEA is Missy and she is wonderful and fantastic.  Sometime's Bentley is stubborn for her and won't communicate with her in anyway, but recently he has been showing some major improvements and is working his way back up the charts.  In April we went to our 2 year appointment with Dr. Frost and Curt mentioned to him that he is still concerned the Bentley is falling behind other children his age.  Dr. Frost agreed and referred us to the speech pathologist with Skiff Hospital.  He was evaluated for speech and his hearing the week of April 22nd.  His hearing test came back clean as a whip and he excelled greatly.  The speech evaluation, wasn't as pretty.  She tested him at a 9 month old level and it was suggested that he begin with speech therapy 2 times a week.  He's making sounds but just does not have any consonant sounds.  Her concern is he would not be able to begin saying words if he didn't have a consonant sounds.  We have been working with Lissa since the middle of April.  Bentley is making strides!!!  He still isn't saying things clearly but he is saying more and more.  Lissa tells me that we can shape sounds later when he is older and that it's not a huge concern right now.  What is more important is just getting him talking and communicating with us.  I am so happy with the progress and outcome of what we could have been looking at 2 years ago.  
Keep up the good work Bentley, your mom and dad are so proud of you!!!  We are behind you all the way! 

From 'What the Hecks?!?!?' to 'What!? I've been Hacked?!?!?'

So, tonight I stumbled upon my wife's blog. 
She forgot to log out. 
She needs to be more careful. 

 Tonight, I miss you.

Among the sounds of the semis

Running through our window;

Alone, I miss you. 

Just wanting to hold you.

Every minute that passes

Along this endless night; 

Needing to hold you

Hooray! For tomorrow!

Excitement over takes my

Countless depressions;

Kindly begging, For tomorrow!

SWW......Birthday version

• So what I got totally surprised by my family and friends tonight at my favorite restaurant!  A girl only turns 30 once!!!!!   And boy oh boy it was a surprise!
• So what I must admit I was a little bummed when my husband told me he wanted to just go out the three of us for my birthday, Curt doesn't think birthdays are a big deal.  I on the other hand think EVERYONE deserves a great grand party EVERY birthday just to remind them how special and loved they are. 
• So what I ended up with cake all over myself. I kind of deserved it!  Long awaited payback! Just remember that Mr. Smead!!   Its not over!!!  
• So what I was lied to all day by everyone I seen, it was for a good cause.
• So what that my friends and I go months without talking because of life and families...we do a great job of catching up right where we left off!!!
• So what that when we got home from the party all my husband wanted to do was watch basketball!   I still love him. 

Thanks again to everyone who came out to celebrate my birthday!  It was a great night to remember!